I have kept the story of what made me who I am today quite close to my chest. Once I realised what had happened when I was young it took some time for me to process. I am an adult, a mother and a daughter and know what fear feels like for young children and how it shapes them. For some reason I still have a sense of shame and I don't know why.
I have been told that speaking out will affect the people close to me. I felt like I needed to be silent for other people's welfare. Of course that didn't work. It only made me angrier that not only did I have a traumatic experience when I was a very small child, but that I also had to make sure people around me didn't get upset by it.
I was sexually molested when I was three years old. He was not a family member.
The fear level it created in me became part of my DNA . It changed who I was supposed to be. I only started dealing with these feelings when I started to get flashback memories in my forties. I had all the anxiety, fear, horror and nausea associated with all the feelings like it was yesterday. Unraveling the trauma has taken a few years and now with the 'Me too' movement it has become an unavoidable memory of trauma and discomfort. I had a dark cloud that made me feel suffocated . I knew I had to enter. I did and I felt everything associated with it. Then I came out and felt a lot clearer. I have finally left the darkness behind me.
It is really important for adults to understand how you can change a child's whole future when you take advantage of their vulnerability in such a way.
Trauma can become embedded in our cells and it changes the structure of our personality and mental well being. Children are so impressionable and don't always know why they fear something so much. Unresolved trauma manifests in adults as PTSD and anxiety. It takes work and courage to redirect those pathways in our brain. I am not sure it ever truly goes away, but the anxiety can get easier to deal with.
I had hypnotherapy and counseling, but
the thing that helped me the most was speaking about it to people close to me. Just having a voice about the fear that I carried around me inside l helped me so much.
I am not interested in finding the person who did this to me ...it is over now.